Men, Football, and Milk
by DayLightScreamer
Summary: There is one thing that brings all men together: Football. It doesn't matter what place you live in, football's everywhere. It can create perfect harmony. Who better for an example than Link and Ganondorf. Poor Zelda.


**A/N: Hey peeps! instead of working on the story she's supposed to be, my sister finished this one. it's a short one shot that popped in our heads one day. we don't know why we thought of it, and milk doesn't even have anything to do with this...oh well! hope ya'll like it.**

Link was resting in his tree house in the Kokori Forest when Navi woke him up.

"Link, Link. There's a message for you," she yelled in his ear. Link just rolled over, exhausted from the adventures of the last few weeks. "The Princess has been kidnapped again." Navi said impatiently.

"Again?" Link mumbled. He didn't move.

"Yes. Ganandorf has her at his castle." Navi informed him, wishing she could bop Link on the head. It was nearly impossible to wake him up.

"Fine. I'll go get her in a few hours. Sleep now." Link said finally, and then rolled over, nearly taking Navi with him.

"Hey!" she cried. But he didn't hear her; he was already snoring softly. At the sound, and seeing the fatigue on her friends face, Navi softened. It's not like Zelda couldn't take care of herself. Goodness knows the Princess had enough experience with this sort of thing. Besides, if the woman couldn't stay out of evil's clutches for more than a week, considering her powers, it was her own fault. A few hours couldn't hurt.

Several hours later, Link found himself at the bottom of the stairs leading to Ganandorf's fortress. The long, tall stairs that seemed to go on forever. He sighed.

"Here we go again," he murmured.

At the top of the stairs he found a door, which led to more doors, which led to the nasty creatures the Dark Prince seemed so fond of. Automatically, Link fought through them to find the big door: Ganandorf's door.

"It's about time you got here, she's been blabbing for hours and refuses to shut up!" Ganandorf cried when Link walked in. Link's nemesis was standing at the organ. He had been playing as loudly as possible to drown out Zelda's constant noise when Link walked in.

"Blabbing is her forte. What did you expect her to do? Sing a happy little song?" Link asked sarcastically. Both men shuddered while Zelda sputtered furiously.

Link had walked into the room a little before 10:00 in the morning. By five that afternoon, the two combatants were wiped, barely able to hold their swords. In tandem, they took ineffective swipes at each other, rarely finding the other. Finally, they swung and tapped their swords together with hardly a sound. Link and Ganandorf held their weapons for a moment before they gave up. Their swords clattered to the ground, followed by the men.

"Five minute breather." Ganandorf hissed. "Then I'll kill you."

"Five minutes." Link agreed. Minutes passed in silence, broken only by their broken pants and Zelda's cries of annoyance.

In response to one of Zelda's taunts, Ganandorf growled, "I will defeat you, Link!"

"You have been saying that for years. What's stopping you?" Link retorted. Furious, Ganandorf grabs for his sword, raises it a few inches before it fell back to the ground.

"Getting a little tired, Ganandorf?" Link taunted.

"You can't move either!" Ganandorf pointed out triumphantly.

"Oh, yeah?" Nothing happens. Ganandorf laughs loudly, wheezing.

"Well," Link blustered, "I don't hit people when their sword is down." Both men turn their heads in annoyance when Zelda starts banging and yelling on the walls of the crystal she's stuck in.

"Doesn't she ever shut up?" Link wondered, a little awed by the length and volume of her tirade.

"I hear you." Ganandorf said feelingly. "She just goes on and on about how I always screw up and do everything wrong."

"I know, she does the same thing to me! It's like we never do anything right in her eyes. I mean, how many times have I rescued her from a kidnapper?"

Zelda starts getting peeved. Link's eyes suddenly light up with an idea.

"Hey, can you make that sound-proof?"

"I never thought of that." Ganandorf said pensively. "Hold on one sec, let me try." He moved his hands, gesturing at the pissed Princess. The noise dropped sharply, but did not disappear. Both men stare blankly at her, then at each other. "That was my strongest magic." Ganandorf said in disbelief.

"A gag!" Link suddenly exclaimed.

"Brilliant!" Ganandorf got up and went to his closet. After rummaging through a few things, he comes up with a rope and gag.

He releases Zelda from her crystal, and tries to tie her. When Zelda puts up too much of a fight, Link walks over to help. Once the trussed Princess was back, seething, in her cage, the two men turn to each other.

"How 'bout we stop until tomorrow? My football game is on." Ganandorf suggests.

"Not talking about the Gerudo's vs. the Zora's, are you?" Link asks, intrigued.

"Yeah," Ganandorf said slowly, "You watch football?"

"Of course I do, when I'm not off saving something. The Gerudo's are my favorite team." Link says.

"No kidding. Mine too."

"Wow." They look at each other like they've never met, or fought, before.

"I've got a big screen down the hall. Want to watch the game?" Ganandorf asks finally.

"Yeah!" Link says quickly. "Just promise you wont try to kill me."

"I'll try to resist."

As the guys walk down the hall talking about football, Zelda bangs her head against the side of the crystal.

The next morning the players enter from different hallways. Zelda looks up, jerking herself awake.

"Did you sleep well?" Ganandorf asks politely.

"Like a baby. Thanks for the room." Link replied.

"Back to it, then?"

"Okay, where were we?" Link wondered, looking around the room.

It was the strangest fight on record. In-between blows and dodges of the swords they relived the football game of last night. Several times, they stopped moving, too engrossed in the discussion to remember why they were there.

"Ow! You hit me." Link cried, looking at his arm gingerly.

"Oops, sorry. I didn't pay attention."

"That's okay," Link replied, looking up again, "it'll heal in a few days."

A few hours later, they stop to look at Link's arm, which was still slowly dripping blood.

"Are you okay?" Ganandorf asked curiously.

"Oh, I'm fine." Link said calmly, wrapping a rough bandage around the cut. "Oh, that reminds me. I wanted to ask why you attacked the Great Deku Tree?"

"He rooted for the Goran's team." Ganandorf said, wincing in memory.

Link gasped in shock. "No!"

"He kept using Old English," the Dark Prince continued.

"Yeah, that gets annoying after awhile." Link agreed.

"And he wouldn't shut up!"

"Like Zelda?"

"Exactly!" Ganandorf exclaimed. Zelda looked offended, but couldn't say anything clearly around the gag.

"I wouldn't have left the forest if you had left that Deku tree alone." Link informed him.

"Really? I never thought of that. I was busy, I suppose, exploring the depth of my new power."

"Well, that's understandable." Link said after a moment, considering. They were quiet for a moment, listening absently to Zelda's muffled curses in the background.

"So, you really wouldn't have done anything?" Ganandorf finally asked, curious.

"Nope. I would have been a lot happier if you would have left that tree alone."

"But he really bugged me!" Ganandorf exclaimed indignantly.

"Anyone who says 'thy' and 'thou' would bug anyone. Why do you think the Kokori avoided him?" Link asked laughing. Ganandorf snorts.

"Oh, yeah." Link says when Zelda starts banging on the wall of the crystal, reminding the men she could still annoy them. "What should be done with her?" he asks.

"I don't know. I don't want her." Ganandorf says quickly.

"I refuse to keep her." Link said flatly. "Another hour and she'll drive me insane; no, suicidal!"

Just then, another light bulb went off above Link's head. He whispers his idea to Ganandorf, who laughs.

"Ah-ha! Perfect." he congratulates Link, then waves a hand. A bright light consumes Zelda and her cage, then she was gone.

Zelda wakes up slowly, forcing her eyes open and looks around. She's in a small stone room, with one sliver of a window.

A movement to her left catches her eye, and turns her head. A Zora stood looking at her, balefully glaring at the Princess.

"What's going on?" Zelda asks cautiously. This is unlike any kidnapping she's ever been through.

"So you're after Link, huh?" Ruto says. She pounds her webbed fist into her palm.

Zelda stares.

"Oh crap!"

Back at Ganandorf's castle, the two warriors stood in the main room.

"It's quiet." Link whispered. "It's finally quiet!"

Ganandorf gave a sigh of relief.

"Now what?" Link wondered.

"...football?" Ganandorf suggests.

"Let's do it!" Link agrees wholeheartedly. They walk off talking.

**A/N:Well? how was it? please review so we know if it really sucked or if you liked it or if it was inbetween or whatever, even if you say just one word, it will mean a lot. REVIEW REVIEW!**


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